Season 5 Review

Just like last year, let’s dig into the final season standings. And if you were in a league this year, post on the FB page how your team did and who your key players were! And as always, a big hand to Ryan for doing all the scoring. You think following each stab and tracking each insult is hard? Try dealing with all the “you missed this” discussion afterwards! So yes, a big hand for the Fantasizr GoT team!

Who would have guessed that the top scorer for the season would be Grey Worm! He didn’t get naked, he didn’t insult anyone, and apparently the Unsullied don’t drink, but boy did owners of Mr. Missandei get their money’s worth of points from EP4, aka the one where Grey Worm killed everyone and then almost got killed himself. All of Grey Worm’s league leading 176 points was accrued in EP4 and that was enough to push him ahead of Tyrion Lannister for S5 MVP.

Here were this season’s top five: Grey Worm (176 pts), Tyrion Lannister (172), Jorah Mormont (169), Ramsay Bolton (139), and Daario Naharis (137). In addition, Nymeria Sand, Cersei Lannister, Daenerys Targaryen, and Barristan Selmy also managed to get into triple digits. The most surprising name on the top ten? Olenna Tyrell, who came in at #10 on the strength of a blistering stream of insults, mostly from EP7.

Jaime Lannister makes his case for LVP once again, as he only scored 31 points tota -- for one kill, three drinks, and an injury. Or maybe “LVP” is really just “major character/screentime with the least number of points.” At least Dany redeemed her horrific S4 by putting in work with her insults for S5. Pro tip: Don’t draft the Kingslayer next season...

Last year there was 850+ points accrued for the season. For S5, with expanded rosters and new scoring rules, the total points doled out was 2515! Let’s look at the breakdown.

• Insult (IST, +7): 1099 pts
• Injury (INJ, +4): 556 pts
• Killing (KIL, +9): 522 pts
• Drinking (DRK, +6): 234 pts
• Sex/Nudity (SEX, +8): 104 pts

Of the 72 character roster, 26 of them didn’t even get on the board. Of the 46 characters who actually scored, the average score was 54.7 points, and while that represents nine characters who scored in triple digits, an impressive half the characters got above that 54.7 point mark. Not bad. I would guess that made the fantasy season very exciting as there were a bunch of players who put in big points, unlike last season where having anyone in the top five or so probably guaranteed you a place in the top tier. Let's look at the individual categories...

Insult: 1099 points (43.7%)
Last year I said "Next year we’re gonna have to figure out how to translate great lines/insults into points.” With IST points accounting for 43.7% of S5’s total scoring, I think the goal has been accomplished! Sure, KIL and INJ points were split into two categories this season, but IST still outpaced them combined! For this season at least, words were sharper than swords.

And those with the sharpest tongues? Daenerys, Olenna Tyrell, Cersei Lannister, Ramsay Bolton, and Tyrion Lannister. Pretty much exactly who you’d expect, with maybe a surprise #1 showing by Dany. Insult points were a powerhouse this season and helped pushed all of the GoT Mean Girls into top five territory.

Injury: 556 points (22.1%)
There were a lot of intense battles this season but MVP for the category goes to Jorah Mormont, who really picked up steam in the last few episodes, wrecking his way through Stone Men, gladiators, and Sons of the Harpy. Nymeria Sand tied with Jorah with 84 INJ points, which was a bit of a surprise as none of the Sand Snakes did that much damange — on-screen or in the hearts of fans. But then I remembered that her slapfest with Tyene gave her an outrageous INJ point total.

The rest of the high INJ scorers pretty much broke down as expected, with fighters like Grey Worm, Tormund Giantsbane, Arya Stark, Barristan Selmy, and Daario Naharis leading the way. Tyrion Lannister was the one surprise, as he managed to rank #4 in this category, probably based on the strength of his chain beatdown in EP7. And Daario had the nerve to question his worth in battle!

What’s more shocking, that Ramsay Bolton only scored one instance of INJ, or that he tied with that vicious cold blooded killer Olly? There's no way Olly doesn't turn into Ramsay Jr. right?

Killing: 522 points (20.8%)
Moving onto the KIL category, we’ve already covered Grey Worm’s exploits. Same with Barristan Selmy, who managed to kill enough Harpy Sons to rank #2 in kills before bowing out of the show himself. Jorah, Daario, and Brienne round out the rest of the top killers and I would love to see a tournament among those names to see who’s the best fighter in the land.

With Jaime Lannister forcibly vacated from the throne of “best fighter in Westeros,” who would win in a Grey Worm, Ser Barristan, Jorah, Daario, and Brienne Royal Rumble? For an undercard, we can have Jon Snow and Bronn thrown into the mix too, as they were the #6 and #8 scorers in this category. Oh heck, let’s just throw in Tormund too. His skull cracking was mighty impressive!

I’d put my money on Brienne actually, as the winner. I mean, Barristan Selmy and Jorah are a bit over the hill, Grey Worm seems to only be useful in specific situations, and Daario, Bronn, and Tormund seem to all eschew proper armor. Plus Brienne is the only one with a Valyrian blade. So yeah, my money is on Brienne.

And then the winner of the GoT Royal Rumble gets to fight the undead: Oberyn Martell or Mecha-Mountain or The Hound!? I would pony up for a PPV for this right? Warriiiiiiors, come out and plaaaaaay!

Drinking: 234 points (9.3%)
In a shock to no one, Tyrion is the league leader in this category. In fact, Tyrion, Cersei, and Jaime are all high scorers in drinking, proving that the Lannisters value a nice glass of red above all else — even each other.

Only Ramsay Bolton, sadist and apparent alcoholic, manages to break up the Lannister lush party. If these four got wild and drunk, who would get the most belligerent? Or the most verbally abusive? (Wait, how did Jaime not get one insult point all season?! He’s useless…)

Sex/Nudity: 104 points (4.2%)
Ramsay Bolton, take a bow! Cersei made a late charge for the sex/nudity lead with her agonizing walk but Ramsay had this low scoring category sewn up with his three sex scenes. And while Tyene Sand had the most memorable nude scene this season, even the most beautiful woman in the world received only eight points for nudity.

Alright, that's it for S5, and let's bunker down for the looooong break until S6 arrives. The big question looming over everything is if Jon Snow is actually dead, but for fantasy purposes Jon Snow lost some of his luster this season as he fell out of the top scorers. It's clear that the key to victory in fantasy GoT is to grab the lesser names. S4 featured Tormund as the MVP, S5 had Grey Worm...will S6 give us a random Dothraki warrior to lead the way? Or will a dragon finally be draftable?! "I take Drogon, I take Drogon with my S6 #1 pick!" Imagine the nudity points...

S5EP10: Let It Snow

Okay, well, that was a whopper of a finale. No spoilers but um, spoilers ahead. I mean, who didn’t die this episode? And of those that didn’t, who didn’t get shamed, brutalized, or basically left in a situation where they could die any moment.

By the end of the episode, I had almost totally forgotten that Arya had viciously murdered the first person on her Kill Bill list, and that she had gone blind! By the time Cersei (and her body double) had walked through the streets of King’s Landing and Jon Snow was betrayed by his men, I basically couldn’t even remember what else had happened.

Was Stannis really dead? Was Brienne really that useless all season? Was Khaleesi about to be Khaleesi again? And oh yeah, did Jamie just lose his only daughter? Hey, as least Sam the Wizard got Gilly and Sam Jr. out of Castle Black before the mutiny! Really, if the Night’s Watch is all about turning on its leader, why even bother?

In the end, it was a breathtaking season finale and I’m gonna have to rewatch the episode to take it all in again. For now, let’s look at the final week’s scores!

I guess when you stab a guy multiple times — basically everywhere a guy can get stabbed — you get to be high scorer for the week. At +4 points per injury, Arya sure got her revenge worth on poor Meryn Trant. Then again, who is trying to feel sympathy for a child beater and molester? Speaking of Trant, he came up #2 in EP10 with 24 total points himself, mainly from whipping little girls. Ugh, so gross. Thanks for killing him Arya, hope you get your eyesight back!

A lot of characters scored this week but none of them in overwhelming volume — save Arya and her +63 points. If you were hoping for a last minute win for you league, let’s hope you were just a handful of points behind. There were a whole bunch of high profile kills this week but a kill is just worth nine points, regardless if who was on the receiving end of the death blow.

The most exciting bit for me was to see that Davos Seaworth finally got on the board with an insult! Go go Onion Knight! Let’s see where this last week of scoring takes end of the season stats...

S5EP9: Flame On!

Summer is here and with it so is the heat! Here comes a terrible segue… And speaking of heat, there was a whole lotta fire this episode hunh? At this point, everyone knows that Drogon finally showed up to do something useful. And man, how thrilling was that finalscene?  So many unanswered questions though… Like, where is Dany flying to? How did she avoid getting spiked on Drogon’s back? What about everyone else on the ground, Dany's just gonna let them polish off her retinue? Why didn’t Khaleesi stick around to flambe more people from above? Please please don’t ever kill Melisandre! And most importantly: The security in for Dany is really horrible. All those people brought in huge golden masks with horns? C’mon now.

And nothing the Unsullied have done in this, or past episodes, have shown me that they are fierce fighters. In fact, they seem to get killed with awful regularity. Also, Jorah's fighting skills are in some dispute too. After watching his lame performance in the gladiatorial ring, I wouldn't trust him to defend me against anyone. Well, until he suddenly morphed into a fighting machine after he had his Khaleesi to protect. Most of this season's fights have been pretty lame and poorly choreographed and so slow! Don't you think?

Frankly, I don’t even remember what else happened this episode. All I can remember is flames, flames, flames! And not just of the dragon type... Farewell sweet Shireen. Here, this will at least cheer you up: watch dragon LeBron torch the Warriors.

It literally took me five minutes to figure out why Nymeria Sand got 68 injury points — out of a total of 110. Did I miss some huge fight? Was I an episode behind? Turns out, each time Nymeria slapped little sis Tyene, she got injury points. That vaults her into the top ten scoring for the season, and with one episode left, she’ll likely emerge as a points leader. Now, I don’t interpret the rules but that seems unfair! A little slapping game is cool and all but +68 points!?

I mean, Daario and Jorah got 45 and 62 killing points respectively, both less than Nymeria’s little patty cake. For next season, I think we definitely need to figure out a better way to balance game and episode scoring. But for now, go go Nymeria! There’s no doubt her outburst will give some teams a championship this season.

Overall, a lot of characters put up points this season but most of them were just a smattering of drinking or insults. Nymeria, Daario, and Jorah had huge weeks but only seven other characters hit double digits. Then again, that’s pretty good!

Now, who gets the blame of not stopping Princess Shireen’s stake burning? Who who! Her sacrifice better result in a smoke army or something, not just a singular monster...

S5EP8: Return of the King

Well, I’m two weeks behind on this post and we all know what happened in the Hardhome episode. So we’ll just go straight into the scoring. Basically, last season’s scoring champ returned! After leading the league in points last year, Tormund has been quiet all year. Well, that all changed when he smashed the Lord of Bones into submission and then acquitted himself very well in the battle versus the wights. Still, 57 big points won’t even get Tormund into the top ten for scoring this season, as scores have leapt up huge this season. It’s nice to see Tormund get his moment though.

As for everyone else, it was a light scoring week mostly, excepting Tormund and Jon Snow’s fight. Heck, there was only one insult, by Daenerys of all people. And it was nice that Tyrion finally got his drink on again. With only six characters posting points, this was this season’s lowest scoring week by volume and quantity. But oh, the penultimate episode is right around the corner!

Then again, with Benioff and Weiss surprising us with a big battle in EP8, does that mean EP9 will be quieter? Let’s hope Stannis can give us another huge fight!

S5EP7: And the Curse

Where is this season going!? Don’t Benioff and Weiss know that there are only three episodes left? I’m in a state of panic here thinking of all the plot lines that aren’t going to be resolved this season. Or maybe they’ll be resolved but in a hasty fashion and we’ll end up with more crap like the Jamie/Bronn versus Sand Snakes slow-motion shootout.

At this rate, we’re going to end the season with a big Stannis versus Bolton battle and that’s about it. I mean, what else do we have time for? Maybe this is GoT’s reset season, introducing us to new threats and re-jiggering power structures, but I’d sure like to see advancement with certain stories. Like how is Bran’s training in the tree going? Ha, just kidding.

At least Tyrion and Daenerys are finally together, which means she can get around to finally doing the right thing: unleashing those dragons! And maybe with Mom now in the slammer, Tommen will step up and be a real king to his people — and his loved ones. Wouldn’t it be great if somehow Tommen becomes an awesome character in the next three episodes? What would need for happen on-screen for this transformation? Should he start swinging Widow's Wail around? On to this week’s scoring...

Wow, how many insults can one old lady dish out? If your name is Olenna Tyrell, it’s a lot! Ten insults to be exact. The Queen of Thorns is feisty indeed and she led this week’s scoring by tossing lots of barbs, mostly at the High Sparrow. (Mr. Sparrow got in a few verbal jabs of his own, but not nearly as many as Olenna’s. Then again, he has both her grandkids in a jail cell so maybe he didn’t need to say much.)

Tyrion and Jorah got their point across by beating up the people around them, as little Tyrion got in 52 points worth of injury by pounding on some poor sap with his slave chain. "You're right, he is funny." Haha. And did Jorah not kill anyone this episode? It seemed like he might have. Then again, all those points he racked up couldn't have taken away the pain that must have come from hearing Khaleesi want to send him away again.

A handful of players racked up minor points for insults and sex/nudity, but all we can still think about is Tyene Sand. What a (dangerous) flirt! And thank goodness Bronn didn’t die, that would’ve just been too cruel.

S5EP6: Ooh Child (Things are Gonna Get Easier)

What exactly is Petyr Baelish’s endgame? It seems like he has designs on the throne but it’s probably impossible for him to actually become king himself — he has no real family name, he was a brothel owner, and he knows that kings die much faster than other people.

Also, it’s strange that he seems to not care at all about children, specifically, his children. Even if he can’t ascend the throne, he would likely want a son (or daughter) to inherit all he’s worked for right? Instead it seems like Little Finger is moving pieces around but with on real end game in sight. Then again, what do I know about his motives? I’m not nearly a tenth as devious as Baelish!

What I do know is that the House of Black and White plot line is quickly getting old, and Sand Snakes are runaway winners for “All hype, no substance.” When they drag the little girls away — and they did look like little girls — I was glad to be rid of them. Compare their introduction and insertion into the story to Oberyn’s. One was cool and built anticipation…the other was, lame. And then it got lamer. That fight scene, with a three-to-one-and-a-half advantage was yawn worthy. Ah well, I guess Dorne will have to wait another episode or two to get exciting. On to the scores!

The Internet is blowing up over the last scene from EP6. Was it really necessary to show Ramsay raping Sansa? I mean, hasn’t a girl suffered enough?! While I tend to agree that it was an awful scene, there was definitely lots of fantasy points racked up by Ramsay Bolton and Sansa for their insults and sex/nudity. Ramsay is our first back-to-back week winner, albeit with only 36 points this week, compared to 79 from EP5.

Jaqen H’ghar scored a nice handful of points by…beating up Arya Stark. Whoopee. Hey Faceless Man, pick on someone your own size. Seriously! It’s embarrassing that Jaqen’s only points of the season have come from taking the switch to his ward. Maybe H'ghar should take a sip of that tasty fountain water? Beating up defenseless girls must be thirsty work…

At least Grandma Tyrell is back on the scene to dispense some verbal daggers. Her scene was Cersei was delicious and even though I couldn’t understand why she backed down so fast to the High Sparrow, it’s fun for the show to have someone funny and quick witted back on.

Goodness knows, if they keep showing the Sand Snakes and Black/White Boringtown, this is gonna get boring real quick. Give us some Stannis fights! Also, what’s the over/under on how many gladiators Ser Jorah gets to kill? Three, five, ten?

S5EP5: Sticks & Stones

Well, instead of Dorne and more Sand Snakes, we get Valyria and the Stone Men. If nothing else, the one scene each of the new characters have shown up in so far this season definitely goes to Stone Men for excitement, coolness, and impact. I mean, they put “the touch” on Jorah for goodness sakes! It’s amazing that Tyrion got away without a scratch, but we’d think that he injured at least one of the Stone Men with his little kicks? Maybe not.

Anyway, another “setting things up” episode leads us into the back half of the season. With only five episodes to go there are a lot of things that need to be resolved. But hey! At least Stannis is on the march right? And it looks like Jon Snow gets another vacation to his favorite resort north of the Wall. I’m sure EP9 will be a bloodbath but it could take us quite a while to still get there.

Meanwhile, we finally get some dragon roasting and the biggest bomb drop of the episode: Dany’s getting married! Who else was totally caught off-guard by her proposal? I mean, besides Hizdahr zo Loraq?! I’m not sure marrying a Meerenese noble will solve her political problems but it sure seems like a terrible move. We’re more for the “roast everyone with dragons” approach that seemed to work pretty well on the first go-around. Let’s take at EP5’s scoring.

While only six characters put up points this episode, both Ramsay Bolton and Daenerys threw up 60+ weeks. Sociopath Ramsay threw up 79 total behind a ton of insults, lots of drinking, and some sex/nudity and injury (he bit a lip?). Not a bad showing. Dany’s points were all a result of her wicked tongue as she lashed out at the rich citizens of Meereen before offering one as a night time snack to Rhaegal and Viserion.

Her former advisor, Jorah Mormont, got in a fight with some Stone Men and killed and injured a whole bunch of them — but at great cost to himself, as we saw. We’re not sure how Dany’s council will look once Tyrion and Jorah arrive in Slavers Bay but will there be any more exiled knights to lend her some advice once Jorah (presumably) succumbs to his newly acquired disease?