S5EP7: And the Curse

Where is this season going!? Don’t Benioff and Weiss know that there are only three episodes left? I’m in a state of panic here thinking of all the plot lines that aren’t going to be resolved this season. Or maybe they’ll be resolved but in a hasty fashion and we’ll end up with more crap like the Jamie/Bronn versus Sand Snakes slow-motion shootout.

At this rate, we’re going to end the season with a big Stannis versus Bolton battle and that’s about it. I mean, what else do we have time for? Maybe this is GoT’s reset season, introducing us to new threats and re-jiggering power structures, but I’d sure like to see advancement with certain stories. Like how is Bran’s training in the tree going? Ha, just kidding.

At least Tyrion and Daenerys are finally together, which means she can get around to finally doing the right thing: unleashing those dragons! And maybe with Mom now in the slammer, Tommen will step up and be a real king to his people — and his loved ones. Wouldn’t it be great if somehow Tommen becomes an awesome character in the next three episodes? What would need for happen on-screen for this transformation? Should he start swinging Widow's Wail around? On to this week’s scoring...

Wow, how many insults can one old lady dish out? If your name is Olenna Tyrell, it’s a lot! Ten insults to be exact. The Queen of Thorns is feisty indeed and she led this week’s scoring by tossing lots of barbs, mostly at the High Sparrow. (Mr. Sparrow got in a few verbal jabs of his own, but not nearly as many as Olenna’s. Then again, he has both her grandkids in a jail cell so maybe he didn’t need to say much.)

Tyrion and Jorah got their point across by beating up the people around them, as little Tyrion got in 52 points worth of injury by pounding on some poor sap with his slave chain. "You're right, he is funny." Haha. And did Jorah not kill anyone this episode? It seemed like he might have. Then again, all those points he racked up couldn't have taken away the pain that must have come from hearing Khaleesi want to send him away again.

A handful of players racked up minor points for insults and sex/nudity, but all we can still think about is Tyene Sand. What a (dangerous) flirt! And thank goodness Bronn didn’t die, that would’ve just been too cruel.

S5EP6: Ooh Child (Things are Gonna Get Easier)

What exactly is Petyr Baelish’s endgame? It seems like he has designs on the throne but it’s probably impossible for him to actually become king himself — he has no real family name, he was a brothel owner, and he knows that kings die much faster than other people.

Also, it’s strange that he seems to not care at all about children, specifically, his children. Even if he can’t ascend the throne, he would likely want a son (or daughter) to inherit all he’s worked for right? Instead it seems like Little Finger is moving pieces around but with on real end game in sight. Then again, what do I know about his motives? I’m not nearly a tenth as devious as Baelish!

What I do know is that the House of Black and White plot line is quickly getting old, and Sand Snakes are runaway winners for “All hype, no substance.” When they drag the little girls away — and they did look like little girls — I was glad to be rid of them. Compare their introduction and insertion into the story to Oberyn’s. One was cool and built anticipation…the other was, lame. And then it got lamer. That fight scene, with a three-to-one-and-a-half advantage was yawn worthy. Ah well, I guess Dorne will have to wait another episode or two to get exciting. On to the scores!

The Internet is blowing up over the last scene from EP6. Was it really necessary to show Ramsay raping Sansa? I mean, hasn’t a girl suffered enough?! While I tend to agree that it was an awful scene, there was definitely lots of fantasy points racked up by Ramsay Bolton and Sansa for their insults and sex/nudity. Ramsay is our first back-to-back week winner, albeit with only 36 points this week, compared to 79 from EP5.

Jaqen H’ghar scored a nice handful of points by…beating up Arya Stark. Whoopee. Hey Faceless Man, pick on someone your own size. Seriously! It’s embarrassing that Jaqen’s only points of the season have come from taking the switch to his ward. Maybe H'ghar should take a sip of that tasty fountain water? Beating up defenseless girls must be thirsty work…

At least Grandma Tyrell is back on the scene to dispense some verbal daggers. Her scene was Cersei was delicious and even though I couldn’t understand why she backed down so fast to the High Sparrow, it’s fun for the show to have someone funny and quick witted back on.

Goodness knows, if they keep showing the Sand Snakes and Black/White Boringtown, this is gonna get boring real quick. Give us some Stannis fights! Also, what’s the over/under on how many gladiators Ser Jorah gets to kill? Three, five, ten?

S5EP5: Sticks & Stones

Well, instead of Dorne and more Sand Snakes, we get Valyria and the Stone Men. If nothing else, the one scene each of the new characters have shown up in so far this season definitely goes to Stone Men for excitement, coolness, and impact. I mean, they put “the touch” on Jorah for goodness sakes! It’s amazing that Tyrion got away without a scratch, but we’d think that he injured at least one of the Stone Men with his little kicks? Maybe not.

Anyway, another “setting things up” episode leads us into the back half of the season. With only five episodes to go there are a lot of things that need to be resolved. But hey! At least Stannis is on the march right? And it looks like Jon Snow gets another vacation to his favorite resort north of the Wall. I’m sure EP9 will be a bloodbath but it could take us quite a while to still get there.

Meanwhile, we finally get some dragon roasting and the biggest bomb drop of the episode: Dany’s getting married! Who else was totally caught off-guard by her proposal? I mean, besides Hizdahr zo Loraq?! I’m not sure marrying a Meerenese noble will solve her political problems but it sure seems like a terrible move. We’re more for the “roast everyone with dragons” approach that seemed to work pretty well on the first go-around. Let’s take at EP5’s scoring.

While only six characters put up points this episode, both Ramsay Bolton and Daenerys threw up 60+ weeks. Sociopath Ramsay threw up 79 total behind a ton of insults, lots of drinking, and some sex/nudity and injury (he bit a lip?). Not a bad showing. Dany’s points were all a result of her wicked tongue as she lashed out at the rich citizens of Meereen before offering one as a night time snack to Rhaegal and Viserion.

Her former advisor, Jorah Mormont, got in a fight with some Stone Men and killed and injured a whole bunch of them — but at great cost to himself, as we saw. We’re not sure how Dany’s council will look once Tyrion and Jorah arrive in Slavers Bay but will there be any more exiled knights to lend her some advice once Jorah (presumably) succumbs to his newly acquired disease?

S5EP4: Cacaw! Cacaw!

Ah finally, the (late) appearance of the Sand Snakes! For those who had an inkling what was coming in Season Five, anticipation was high for Oberyn’s three bastard daughters to show up. Heck, our poll from the first week was titled “Who’s your favorite Sand Snake?”

Unfortunately, their one scene was pretty weak. Yeah, it was cool to see them torture buried guy and all but Obara, Nymeria, and Tyene didn’t really make much of an impact on me and the acting seemed very wooden, which isn’t normal for this series. Seeing Keisha “Whale Rider” Castle-Hughes as Obara was a thrill but that didn’t last long as the Sand Snakes were ushered off stage right and we never saw them again. Let’s hope that they get some more shine in EP5, otherwise this waiting for Sand Snakes thing is getting pretty tedious. Also, as my friend noted, none of the Sand Snakes’ physiques look warrior-like, and it seems like the fighting daughters of the Red Viper would be slightly tougher looking. Oh well.

There was a lot of amazing in EP4, but almost all of it was washed away with the incredible fight scene to end the episode. I mean, I’d almost forgotten that the Faith Militant had shown up earlier, or that Jon Snow decided it was okay to touch (but not more) up North. Plus, Jaimie and Bronn get in a fight! Let’s take a look at the scores...

Normally, Bronn and Jaime’s frolic on the beach with some Dornish soldiers would be cause for celebration but when Grey Worm and Barristan Selmy end the episode with a bloodbath, well, it’s easy to forget that Bronn and Jaime both had pretty respectable weeks.

Grey Worm and Ser Barristan racked up 176 and 104 points, respectively. And yeah, that vaults them immediatley to the top of the leaderboards for the season. (See why we told you to draft fighters?!) Based upon the numbers, Grey Worm killed twelve Sons of the Harpy and injured seventeen more. Barristan Selmy got eight kills and eight injuries himself. How many Sons of the Harpy were in that alcove!? I’m not sure there were so many, but I didn’t watch the fighting nearly as carefully as our official scorekeepers. All I know is that a lot of people got stabbed and a lot of people died. Including possibly one or both of our heroes.

While it might seem a bit unfair that one player could vault up so far in the standings based upon one scene, in a way that does reflect how epic the battles can be. After all, many of the giant GoT fight scenes totally shake up the plotlines and the ginormous totals racked up by the participating combatants show us that on the scoreboard. Still, for one character to get 176 points in one week, that’s insane! Perhaps next year we can see about capping some scoring or something. Or having a category score once per episode, versus for each instance. At this rate, Grey Worm will likely be a top five player at the end of the season based upon just one scene.

Sidetone: From my viewpoint, Grey Worm and his Unsullied deserved to get their butts kicked. Why are they carrying such huge spears while patrolling the streets? It’s a bit unrealisitic that the Unsullied wouldn’t have a backup (smaller) weapon or realized that ten foot spears are useless in alleyways, but I won't quibble too much I guess. The Unsullied had to get beat for the larger story, and maybe they were just too cocky to not be on their guard even after their brothers were getting slashed in the throat at brothels, etc. Let's just pray that both Ser Barristan and Grey Worm make it through their injuries!