Team Previews

Valar Morghulis
It looks like Nam will be cheering hard for what remains of the Starks. He’s got Jon Snow and Arya, as well as the wandering getup of Bran, Osha, and Hodor as well. (What, no Rickon?) The only non-Stark related person on this team is third round pick Stannis Baratheon, who is the remaining threat to Lannister domination — well, at least so they think. Basically this team is the rebel forces, out to dismantle the Death Star. What’s High Valyrian for “kill all the Lannisters?"

God of T!t$ and Wine
With Tyrion and Tywin Lannister as co-captains, Daniel’s certainly got a lot of brains on his team. There’re going to likely lead the league in great lines and insults, and they’ll both be doing plenty of drinking. It seems like the muscle will come from Tormund Giantsbane, while the sexing will have to be left to the mysterious Ellaria Sand, who makes her debut in Season Four as "the paramour of Prince Oberyn Martell. Also on this team, the traitorous Walder Frey! Last round pick Sansa Stark must be pissed off to be on the same team as the men who conspired to murder family. At least she’ll have her husband by her side!

Blonde Ambitionz
Named in honor of team inspiration and patron saints Madonna and Tupac, Jon’s full team name is "Blonde Ambitionz As A Bloodrider." Daenerys, Brienne, and Joffrey Baratheon fulfill the blonde part while the Tyrell clan of Margaery, Loras, and father Mace are clearly moving up in the world this season. Can the Mother of Dragons and the child king reconcile their differences to lead this team to victory?

Imping Ain’t Easy
There’s a lot of wonderful 1-2 punches on our teams but none so appropriate as Simon’s pairing of Jaime and Cersei Lannister. Together, the recently reunited twins are capable of scoring major points across all categories, plus they’ll corner the market on incest. They’ll have to score big, as they lead a motley crew of supporters. Who are Bronze Yohn and Tycho Nestoris anyway? Guess we’ll find out! Sacrificial lamb Gendry was rowing off on a lifeboat last we saw him, apparently right back to King’s Landing, which would be appropriate for this team. It’s surprising that Jorah Mormont would so quickly turn on Khaleesi to serve the Lannisters, but once a traitor always a traitor, right?

Direwolf Pups!
This team is all about the killing (The Hound) and the sexing (Melisandre), and sometimes both combined (Ygritte). The question is what Jaqen H’ghar, Styr, and Lord Blackmont can bring to the table. We haven’t even seen Styr or Lord Blackmont yet, and while Jaqen is a deadly assassin, his screen time has been limited to talking about killing. We’re thinking The Hound is going to have to do some heavy lifting to bring this crew to the top of the rankings.

Whore-Door
A mix and max team with hardly a theme at all to be discerned whatsoever. Pimp master Petyr Baelish will team up with the foreign Prince Oberyn Martell to…well, we don’t know what. Little Finger doesn’t seem to have a lot of fantasy potential so it could be up to the newly introduced Prince to carry this team. He’ll get a lot of help from Mance Rayder, who will definitely have a few kills coming. That’s in contrast to Varys, who can’t fuck or fight, and does he even drink? This would definitely be the team we’d pick to have all the secret power in King’s Landing, but for our scoring system, we’re not so sure. Can Hizdahr zo Loraq, the new slave raider character come to the rescue? Heck, can last pick Balon Greyjoy muster up the motivation to help his son? A lot of questions here, but at least OJ’s got the best team name!

Dark Nights
There’s no question what Trieu’s strategy was. Bronn, Daario Naharis, Benjen Stark, and Knight of the Gate Donnel Haynwood are all warrior types. Plus, who’s the last person to actually kill a White Walker? The mighty Samwell Tarly! Bronn and Daario are both quick with their tongues, and seem pretty capable of wooing/paying for their women. The big question is what happens to Theon Greyjoy this season. If he just hangs there getting flayed and tortured again, this team could be operating with a heavy anchor each week.